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1. When your dear mother decides to take you to the local Italian eatery with dad because she's tired of cooking and doing dishes, don't say anything when she makes you wear a gorgeous ivory and french blue blouse for which she paid a fortune.  Then make sure that you thoroughly enjoy your spaghetti.  This will teach her to:
a) Never forget to pack a bib.
b) Stop spending so much cash on baby clothes.  Seriously, a toddler does not need a fancy ivory and french blue blouse.

2. When your mother convinces your father to take you along on their anniversary dinner because you are, after all, a product of their union, make sure she regrets this upsetting change in your weekday routine by refusing to eat your chicken strips AND EVEN your French fries and insisting on going on tours of the restaurant.  That way, your mother and father will eat in shifts, resulting in less romance, and none of that embarrassing kissy-kissy stuff.  This is particulary effective when the restaurant in question is one where your mother used to work, and when the server is a friend of your mother's.

3. When going out to dinner with your parents, grandparents, and aunt and uncle in a swanky place, be on your best behavior.  However, if they decide to order multiple courses during the meal, make your impatience known by becoming irritable.  Then, show them that they are easily replaceable when the very cute waiter decides to pick you up and show you around the restaurant by charming the pants off of him.  After you've gotten the love from the cute waiter, refer to him as "Uncle Marcus" and extend your arms to him to be picked up every time he comes to the table.  This will teach everyone, especially your real uncle, to pay quality attention to you.

4. When your parents take you to the same breakfast place every Sunday, demand that the staff acknowledge that you are a regular.  Balloons must accompany every meal, and "colours" must be promptly delivered.  Refer to the high chair as "the Abbey-chair", substituting your own name of course.  If your mother tries to be creative and orders something different than your usual scrambled eggs, immediately throw the offending food on the ground.  This will teach them the art of consistency.

5. When your mother orders pancakes, make sure to eat them.  If she orderd you your own pancakes, refuse to touch them and somehow dispose of them.  See above.

6. When your mother and caregiver have tried to teach you the art of cleanliness and tidyness, show them that the lesson is well-learned when in restaurants.  For example, if a server breaks a glass and takes her time to clean it up, tell your mother "Mummy PICK IT UP!  BROKEN ON FLOOR PICK IT UP!!!"  And if a plate is dropped, inform the server that she made "A BIG MESS!".  This is also appropriate if the customers near you are slobs.  Point to them and exclaim "Lady made BIG MESS mummy! Look mummy, right there, mess!"  Make sure everyone, especially the offending parties hear you.  Good manners are for everyone.

7. At home, accept to eat only when the animal channel is on and you are sitting in the toddler rocker.  Refuse to eat anything in your high chair.  In fact, this is more effective if you throw a major fit whenever your parents try to seat you in the high chair.  Teach them that high chairs are for playing **play-doh only.  As everyone knows, parents are as easily trained as Pavlov's dog, so eat well and in great quantity when they relent and let you eat in the toddler chair, watching the "ewephants and mookeys" on the animal channel.
                                      ** play doh is easily hidden in your mother's shoes, and causes quite a  reaction.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:19 pm (UTC)
Freakin' hysterical!!! :)

Thanks for brightening up my afternoon!
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it! The original installment is here: http://maine-girl.livejournal.com/79184.html
I'm going to keep them coming. She gives me lots of material.... for better or for worse :)
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:29 pm (UTC)
I love that you put a comical spin on your mistrials and adventures in motherhood. I feel like I just whine and complain...and hey, I do! :)
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
Oh so do I my friend, so do I! But once in a while I think her little ways are pretty cute and funny :)
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
I agree. :)
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:45 pm (UTC)
*LOL* Perfect! And so true that it's almost not funny ;-)
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:57 pm (UTC)
This is hilarious! I particularly liked "the Abbey-chair" (how cute is that?!) and "this will teach them the art of consistency". You've got such a positive outlook!
Oct. 29th, 2007 08:36 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure this is the best entry on LJ I have ever laid eyes on.
Oct. 29th, 2007 10:28 pm (UTC)
Wow, is that what I have to look foward to? Actually we are already partially there . . .

I loved reading this, it really gave my day a lift!
Oct. 30th, 2007 12:17 am (UTC)
Yay! I love when you do these!
Oct. 30th, 2007 03:38 am (UTC)
Nov. 22nd, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
Hey there! I found your journal through a comment on "extended nursing" and I love it. I hope you don't mind if I add you.

Nov. 22nd, 2007 07:18 pm (UTC)
Sounds great, welcome! I'll add you as well.
Sep. 10th, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC)
oh my gosh, I'm ROLLING with laughter at these!!!!!!!!
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )