So he is here. I have a very short birth story :)

On Tuesday, I woke up with alarm lock at 6:45. I went to the washroom to pee and wet the hallway floor on the way instead. I thought "well great, now I am incontinent, and I feel off, so I must have a UTI." I went and peed anyway. Went back to bed. Went back to pee. Repeat a few times... All before 7am. At 7, I woke Liam up and told him I thought the baby would come today, that I should page Agnes and ask her to swing by before her clinic, and maybe bring a pee stick to check my UTI... I was feeling some low pressure, but not really patterned contractions. She phoned back and I was apparently panting on the phone, so she said she would cancel her clinic day and come over. I French braided my hair (i had a dream about birthing in French braids before I was even pregnant....) phoned the girls' school to let them know the girls would stay home. When Agnes showed up, I was in some amount of pain, she says I was about 3 mins apart, didn't bother to check me, set up and let me be, occasionally rubbing my back until I told her to STOP and started thrashing about trying to get comfortable. The second midwife and the student midwife arrived, they all let me be but stayed close, I  was mostly on all fours on my bed, and then started to push. Agnes yelled at Liam to get upstairs, he and abbey came up, 8:40 AMI pushed babe out in 2-3 pushes, somebody said boy, somebody passed him to be between my legs, and voila :) I flipped over and hung out, he caterwauled more than any of my other kids did at birth, nursed a bit. The midwives did some massage on my belly, the blood loss was pretty decent. The second had administered oxytocin after the head was out without me realizing (i had consented but though they had forgotten, they had not) and I did get a second shot after the placenta was out (huge placenta). Abbey cut the cord. They eventually made me go pee and I nearly passed out the hallway... But I hung out in the bathroom and ate grapes with the second and the student. Could not pee. Went back to bed, ate some more, more massage, more nursing, finally peed so Agnes sent student and second home (well to another birth at hospy) and she stayed with me all day.
9lbs 7
39 cm head
intact perineum.
Anterior tongue tie (ugh)
more later.

(no subject)

Emmett Augustin Blaise born at home this evening, 1 and a half hours labour, midwife showed up I was 10 cms...  9lbs 8oz.  All is well!
More soon.

A Toddler's Guide to Daughtering Your Parents, Big Sister Edition

When your mother and father bring home a four hour-old baby and announce that she is going to stay, make sure the baby knows her place by only referring to her as it, as in "I want to hold it".  You can also try telling the baby's great-grandmother to "keep it" and see if that works.

When all of a sudden you have to share your mother's breasts, and the baby always seems to get to nurse first, tell your mother, "I need nursies to grow too!".  This should weigh heavily on her conscience.

It is useful to fill the baby's things with your toys, as in marking territory.  It used to be yours anyway, so technically it still belongs to you.  For example, the bassinet should be full of stuffed anumals at all times, as should the swing , the bouncy seat, and the bucket carseat.  That way, it is a pain for your mother to put the baby down at any time, and she will remember how sweet and trouble free life was before she brought "it" along.

Whenever someone brings a stuffed animal for "it" make sure it ends up in your possession by exclaiming "thanks!  I love it!  Boo-ful aminal" to the gift-giver.  This makes the gift-giver feel appreciated, and it gets you the toy.  After all, one wouldn't want to spoil "it", would one?

Whenever "it" is asleep is a good time to use your outside voice.  This wakes up the baby and flusters your mother, again reminding her that life was easy when you were an only child.  

Insist that your dollies be cloth-diapered.  With the cute diapers, not the prefolds.

When your mother is ready to take you on an outing with the sibling, and she and the baby are ready to go and you are in your snowsuit, announce that you cannot go ANYWHERE before nursing your teddy bear.  This buys you time before you have to be in public with "it" and withstand the endless "oh isn't she cute?" remarks.  Off with snowsuit, off with boots, nurse the bear, and then reluctantly agree to get dressed again to go on the outing.

When taking baby to endless midwife/doctor's appointment, make sure you are not forgotten.  Bringing a stuffed animal is useful  Eeyore gets weighed and examined, the nurses think you are the cutest thing ever, and people end up paying as much attention to you as they do to "it".  After Eeyore has been weighed and examined and the doctore feels it's time to examine "it", there are several things you can do to bring attention to yourself.  Climb the windowsill.  Stand up on the chair.  Knock down the paper-roller that is attached to the examining table.  Your mother, in an attempt to divert your attention, will then allow you to play in her purse.  At this time, it is recommended to put her coins in your mouth.  This really gets her attention away from "it", and you are at the doctor's anyway so what can go wrong?  At the next visit, she will remember to bring dad for you to play with.

When your mother decided to try the decidedly unwise tactic of the "naughty step", enthusiastically go on the step and exclaim "mummy I love the step, I love it".  She'll never put you on it again, and she will stop taking advice from a nitwit on television against her better judgement.

When the baby is going through a growth spurt and must be nursed endlessly, ask to watch Lilo and Stitch.  Over and Over and Over and Over again.  Until she gives up on nursing the little beast just to get anything else going through her head than Lilo and Stitch.

 When your mother boasts that "it" sleeps very well during the night and comments on how well rested she is, it is important to not deprive her completely of the newborn experience.  Set you inner clock for 3 AM and have a few wails.  You do not even have to completely wake up to do this.  She will be so happy to feel like the other mothers of newborns and she will have you to thank for this feeling of belonging.


Things not to tell a pregnant woman...

I am of normal weight, perhaps a bit "voluptuous" due to the lactation induced 36-D's.  My non pregnant size is 8, and I haven't gaind an extraordinary amount of weight.  I am measuring on time, and even a bit small, though not as samll as I measured with Abbey.

And yet I hear:

"Are you sure there is only one baby?"   Ummm.  Yes, I am positive.  I hear that one all the time.

"I don't know much about childbirth, but.... you're not going to make it to January".  Ok dude, yes, I am.  I'll freaking hold the kid in until February if I can just to piss you off.

"You're getting bigger every week!"  Well, I certainly hope I'm not getting any smaller.

"Are you going to get any bigger?"  I would expect to, yes.  I have eleven weeks to go.

"Should you still be at work?"  Where would you like me to be?  I'm not an invalid, I am pregnant.

"That's going to be one hell of a big baby".  Yes, I sure hope so.  The kid better be at least a nine pounder to make it worth my while. 

Seriously people, I appreciate the candor, but really, I don't need to be  constantly bombarded with comments on how big I am.  I am big, I am pregnant, I am carrying the baby in my abdomen, it's normal.  I feeel good, I think I look pretty decent, and I have great maternity jeans, so there.

/end rant.  

A Toddler's Guide to Daughtering your Parents, restaurant etiquette and laundry tips

1. When your dear mother decides to take you to the local Italian eatery with dad because she's tired of cooking and doing dishes, don't say anything when she makes you wear a gorgeous ivory and french blue blouse for which she paid a fortune.  Then make sure that you thoroughly enjoy your spaghetti.  This will teach her to:
a) Never forget to pack a bib.
b) Stop spending so much cash on baby clothes.  Seriously, a toddler does not need a fancy ivory and french blue blouse.

2. When your mother convinces your father to take you along on their anniversary dinner because you are, after all, a product of their union, make sure she regrets this upsetting change in your weekday routine by refusing to eat your chicken strips AND EVEN your French fries and insisting on going on tours of the restaurant.  That way, your mother and father will eat in shifts, resulting in less romance, and none of that embarrassing kissy-kissy stuff.  This is particulary effective when the restaurant in question is one where your mother used to work, and when the server is a friend of your mother's.

3. When going out to dinner with your parents, grandparents, and aunt and uncle in a swanky place, be on your best behavior.  However, if they decide to order multiple courses during the meal, make your impatience known by becoming irritable.  Then, show them that they are easily replaceable when the very cute waiter decides to pick you up and show you around the restaurant by charming the pants off of him.  After you've gotten the love from the cute waiter, refer to him as "Uncle Marcus" and extend your arms to him to be picked up every time he comes to the table.  This will teach everyone, especially your real uncle, to pay quality attention to you.

4. When your parents take you to the same breakfast place every Sunday, demand that the staff acknowledge that you are a regular.  Balloons must accompany every meal, and "colours" must be promptly delivered.  Refer to the high chair as "the Abbey-chair", substituting your own name of course.  If your mother tries to be creative and orders something different than your usual scrambled eggs, immediately throw the offending food on the ground.  This will teach them the art of consistency.

5. When your mother orders pancakes, make sure to eat them.  If she orderd you your own pancakes, refuse to touch them and somehow dispose of them.  See above.

6. When your mother and caregiver have tried to teach you the art of cleanliness and tidyness, show them that the lesson is well-learned when in restaurants.  For example, if a server breaks a glass and takes her time to clean it up, tell your mother "Mummy PICK IT UP!  BROKEN ON FLOOR PICK IT UP!!!"  And if a plate is dropped, inform the server that she made "A BIG MESS!".  This is also appropriate if the customers near you are slobs.  Point to them and exclaim "Lady made BIG MESS mummy! Look mummy, right there, mess!"  Make sure everyone, especially the offending parties hear you.  Good manners are for everyone.

7. At home, accept to eat only when the animal channel is on and you are sitting in the toddler rocker.  Refuse to eat anything in your high chair.  In fact, this is more effective if you throw a major fit whenever your parents try to seat you in the high chair.  Teach them that high chairs are for playing **play-doh only.  As everyone knows, parents are as easily trained as Pavlov's dog, so eat well and in great quantity when they relent and let you eat in the toddler chair, watching the "ewephants and mookeys" on the animal channel.
                                      ** play doh is easily hidden in your mother's shoes, and causes quite a  reaction.


A Toddler's Guide to Daughtering One's Parents

Notes form Abigael:

1.  It is important on road trips to occasionally remind your parents that they are cruel for tying you up in a contraption and expect you to sit there quietly for hours, regardless of how exciting the destination might be.  A good way to remind them of this is by requesting something special, something delicious, something you would normally get as a treat.  Ice Cream.  This is especially successful when ice cream is out of season. It is quite entertaining to watch one's mother try Harvey's, Tim Horton's, Burger King, etc for ice cream when you know they have none.  It is even more exciting to watch your mother go into a gas station off the highway, put her principles aside, and buy you the only brand available for miles, a brand that she has dutifully boycotted for years: Nestle.   Of course, as we all know, Nestle is crap and one would rather die than eat it, so the only thing left to do is to take off the wrapper, throw it on the floor along with the ice cream, and yell "Bar-Gage".  

2.  Should your mother have the patience and kindness to nurse you into todlerhood and well into her pregnancy, it is important to remind her of the newborn days when your latch was horrible and recreate those days for her, should she get the silly notion that siblings are a good idea, and to get her to stop looking at infants as though they were the best thing on earth. 

3.   If your mother refuses on principle to Ferberize you, it is crucial to test her resolve by whining every time she leaves your bedroom to the point where she feels compelled to sit on the foor  by the bedroom door until you fall asleep.  This can take a long time, so feel free to ask for countless things: water, teddy bears, extra blankets, etc.  After you have exhausted these necessities (and exhausted your mother), ask for hugs.  

4. When in the midst of potty learning, remember that you can pretend to need the potty at bdtime.  This delays bedtime for up to an hour.  If she figures out you are only pretending to use the potty, scrunch up your face and say "push poop out!" and you're good for another half hour.
5.  If you are  a lean child and a picky eater, it is easy to get your mother to do all kinds of silly antics to get you to eat.  Like sing Old Macdonald until she runs out of animals she knows.  And let you play with play-doh while eating dinner.

6.  When in the car, strapped in aforementioned contraption, pick a song that drives your parents particularly batty.  Raffi works well.  Do not, under any circumstance, let them play the whole CD.  Instead, ask for the same song over and over and stay consistent.  They love it.  Consistency is the key to good daughtering.

7.  If your mother is a fan of babywearing and likes to put you in a back carry, untie the straps of her halter top in public.  That way, everybody gets to see where your lunch comes from.